Dreaming...

I have been having some crazy dreams lately.....and I mean crazy.  I wake up, my mind spinning, wondering what the hell is going on in my head.  One in particular sticks out. 

Last night I had a dream that I was driving along Richmond Avenue and it was raining.  I lost control of my car and couldn't stop.  Right before I crashed into the car in front of me, I woke up. 

Now, I am a firm believer that dreams are a doorway to what is really going on in our lives.  I think that this one means a lot of things.  One is that I am at a point in my life where I can't take control of the things that are going on. 

Sidenote: For those of you that actually read this and are wondering how things are in regards to my previous post and have been praying for me and thinking about my family...thank you. Things are exactly the same.  My dad has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.  We have been waiting for answers since the beginning of December, and the only thing we know so far is that the cancer hasn't gone into his bones.  The doctor didn't like the way his lungs looked on one of his CAT scans, so more tests need to be taken before we can explore treatment options.  Its just so frustrating not getting any answers and being strung along like this for so long with such a serious issue.  Along with that, my cousin (whose wife died a few years ago of a brain annyerism-totally f-ed up that spelling) just brought it to my attention the absolute shittiness of my family history.  My uncle recently died of heart disease, my other uncle was recently diagnosed with diabetes, my other uncle has prostate cancer, melanoma, and some form of blood disease related to leukemia, my aunt was recently diagnosed with Parkinsons, and my other aunt has emphysema.  All of this comes from my father's side.  It's just scary to think that so many different things can be wrong with one family, and I am part of it. 

Anyway, back to my dream.  I just feel so frustrated with the fact that I can't control the things that are going on right now.  Also, at work, it's the time when we start discussing changes for next year, and hopefully I will get a head teaching position, because the teacher that I work with now is pregnant so she won't be back in September.  But that's just something else that I can't control and won't have an answer to for a month or so.  I think that what my dream means is that yes, I don't have control right now, but before everything comes crashing down on me, I will wake up and come out of the craziness and see that everything is ok right now, and that's how I need to see it.  I just need to live for today.....

Say a little prayer for me...

For what might be the first time in my life, I am genuinely scared.  Sure I have had moments where I have been nervous, or anxious, or apprehensive, but I'm not sure that I have ever really been scared before.  Tomorrow is a day that may change a lot of things in my life.  Until then, I really don't want to talk about it.  For now, I ask that anyone who might actually read this to pray.  Pray for me and my family.  Thanks

So angry...

I am so angry and upset with my brother right now.  Since he has been married so much has changed.  I understand that they are still in the "honeymoon stage" and all, but that is no reason to forget about your family. They never come over anymore, they miss family functions for stupid reasons, or no reason at all.  I love my sister-in-law, and before they were married we were really good friends.  Lately she never really talks to me, she never wants to hang out anymore...its so wierd.  I kinda feel like she was just playing a part to get in good with the family, and now that they are married she doesn't have to anymore.  What set me over the edge is this.  She wants a dog.  Normally that would be totally fine.  But my other brother is severely allergic to anything with fur. So if they get a dog that would basically be telling him that he can never come over.  Ray uses the excuse that Kristy grew up with a dog and she always wanted one.  That's all fine and dandy, but it isn't a reality for our family.  He says that he can't say no to her.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  He is your brother! How can you do that.  The girl will get used to not having a dog.  How can you choose a dog over your brother?!! I just don't get it.  It really hurts to think that my brother would do that. 

Overwhelmed...

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I just feel like everything was going so well for so long, and now everything is crashing down around me.  I have a lot going on right now in my personal life....a lot that I cannot write about on here.  I can't even really talk about it, which only makes it worse.  There is a lot going on at work too that I need to keep to myself.  It's just so hard and I feel like one of these days I am just gonna break down and freak out at a really bad time. 

Tonight I cried in front of someone for the first time in a really long time.  I hate crying.  Mostly because I can't breathe and I can't talk and then I can't tell anyone why I'm crying so I'm just a huge babbling mess.  (Like tonight).  I just feel like I have way too much to worry about for a 23 year old.  I should be enjoying my youth, but whenever things start feeling good, I am reminded of the bad things.  I know (hope) that everything will be ok, it is just going to take time.  But I just have too much going on in my life right between school and work to have to worry about other things that are clearly much more important. 

Marissa brought up an excellent point to me.  I take on too much.  I can't help it.  I am a yes (wo)man.  If you ask me to do something, I am gonna do it for you.  I hate taking off work.  This week I really should have taken off because I barely had a voice and my head was killing me.  I probably had a fever too but I didn't take my temperature.  I just felt really guilty when I call out.  I don't know why, I am sick.  

This is just an itty bitty sampling of what's going through my head right now.  I had to get it out or I would have lost my mind.  I just need assurance that everything will be ok.  It is just going to take time. 

While I have a minute...

I love my job....I do.  I love the kids, and even more than that, I love the people I work with.  They are just so much fun and they make work not always seem so much like work.  Especially in Afterschool when it's kinda quiet, I feel like I'm just hanging out with them.  Haha...and getting paid.  But my full-time day job is great too.  My class is really good, with a few crazies, but I think every class needs that.  I think it's gunna be a good year.

OK, so I decided that I'm way too picky....when it comes to everything.  I was driving in the car one day flipping through radio stations and I found a bunch of songs that were good, but nothing worthy of me leaving on.  What is my problem, I liked some of these songs, but I didn't wanna listen to them.  Also, I'm picky about my clothes.  But I think a lot of people are.  I'm VERY picky about my hair.  If it won't go the way I want it to, I get really frustrated and self-conscious about it.  If I'm having a bad hair day, I'm pretty much having an over all bad day.  Does that sound stupid?? Yea, it sounds really stupid.  And of course I'm picky about guys...but I think sometimes that's a good thing.  Why should I settle?  But I think soon it's gunna come to a point where I expect too much.  Like, if there's one thing that I don't like or find unattractive about a guy, then I completely turn myself away from him.  For example, if a guy smokes, forget it.  No chance.  I guess this all ties in with the "Is there a perfect guy for everyone" idea.  Is there?  I don't know where I stand on this. 

My brother is getting married in 9 days...AHHHH.  It's so wierd to think of him married.  And then when he has kids it will be even wierder.  My brother - a dad.  I can picture it.  It just makes me feel like such a grown up.  Although, most things in my life these days are.  I guess I am one, ugh. 

OK, dinner time...TTFN!